6-Pack Rings And Straws Endanger LCSWA Incinerator Sea Turtles

Harrisburg Pike – The workday starts off like any other at the LCSWA facility with Juan Afukme making his rounds. While his job title is officially Plant Superintendent he’s known by his fellow employees as Turtle Man because to date he has freed over 100 majestic Gap Sea Turtles from 6-pack rings and other assorted refuse.

The incinerator plant located on Harrisburg Pike backs up to the Atglen/Roherstown Canal, which was built in the 1800s to ferry whores from Kinzers to city STD clinics and is still used to this day to transport sex industry workers. . Gap Lighthouse Keeper Abner Hockenfoos says the canal is the preferred breeding ground for many indigenous sea creatures and still vital to the Central PA economy to this day. “The Atglen/Roherstown Canal runs all the way to Gap Beach and we need to protect our sea creatures” stated the Keeper.

It’s not only the Gap Sea Turtles that are in danger. The Conestoga Narwhal and Corn Squid populations have been on the steady decline since the 1970s.¬†Plastic straws account for the deaths of over 4-million corn squid over the last decade as they get caught in their urethras.

We asked local animal expert Earl Sneed on what we can do to help protect local wildlife and he advised the following tips:

  • Switch from beer to liquor as empty liquor bottles have a less detrimental effect on the environment and in a pinch serve as a handy self-defense item.¬†
  • Ladies, stop using straws, ok? Guys, your wimpey asses shouldn’t have been using straws in the first place. In fact if your bartender gives you a straw in your drink it’s code for “you’re a pussy and I’m going to steal your girl.”
  • Always wipe front to back, never back to front.¬†