Bon-Ton Stores Awarded Contract From ICE

Regional retail giant Bon-Ton Stores were awarded a government contract on Wednesday as part of GOB sale and will be shipping all remaining mattresses, clothes, and toys for children detained at the Mexican border.

A Bon-Ton executive stated in anonymity¬† “Rather than taking a total loss on what remains, this contract provides a prevailing fair market price for goods as opposed to the vultures picking the bones at 99% off. It’s a win-win, we make more money, dump dead inventory and those caged children have some toys and a soft mattress to put on the floor of their crates.”

Toys R Us and Babies R Us were awarded similar deals and were able to move some product long stuck in inventory. “It’s nice to get rid of some of this stuff that’s been in quarantine since the 70s and 80s. We had these perfectly good toys that supposedly were a choking hazard or contained lead, and finally we can free up that space before we’re completely bankrupt” stated spokesgiraffe Geoffrey.