Gap, PA – Agnes 2-Poke of Gap has just placed 3rd in the National Quilt Championship held in Goshen, Indiana this past weekend with her rendition of the “Hatchet Man.”
To celebrate the win Agnes yelled, “Whoop! Whoop! Beat almost all these Muggalo motherfuckers!” and began spraying the crowd with Faygo soda.
Back home area residents couldn’t be happier. Gap Lighthouse Keeper Abner Hockenfoos took a break from his 2-week bender and said “It is always nice to see one one of the indigenous Gapanese people not only leave the town of Gap but to achieve something other than incarceration at a State Penitentiary”.
“This is the most exciting thing to happen here since David Cameron had to take an emergency dump at the cheese shop” said Kinzers town whore Ivanna Shroomslap.
The town of Gap will be holding a welcome home parade and lunchmeat toss in her honor on Saturday May 30th beginning at the Brass Eagle restaurant and ending at the Gap Lighthouse.