Gap Lighthouse Cancels Cockfighting Tournament

Jeffrey Myers reporting – The First Annual Gap Lighthouse  Cockfighting Tournament and Fish Fry scheduled for 7/4/15 has been cancelled.  As you may recall, the Lighthouse was planning to hold this one-day festival as a homage to the bravery of Thomas The Tank Engine and his husband Percy in response to their recent nup-choo-choo-als this past weekend.  Unfortunately due to unrest at several local underground Amish raves, the Executive Board at the Lighthouse has decided to scrap the event.

Gov. Tom Wolf at the Gap  Coast for Rumspringa
Gov. Tom Wolf at the Gap Coast for Rumspringa

According to Lighthouse Keeper, Abner Hockenfoos, the Lighthouse did not want to risk the safety of local residents.  “What you have are several hundred Amish youth on Rumspringa who have been inspired by the courage of these two engines.  There were six incidents in and around Strasburg involving several raves…Ecstacy, techno music, body painting, men with men, women with women, men with goats, animal sacrifice and at least one case of alleged mayfly smuggling.  While we believe these youngsters have a right to explore their sexuality, we do not condone illegal activity.    And frankly, the mayflies scare us.  The Lighthouse is quite powerful.  We can not chance all those mayflies and (perhaps) gay Amish kids interfering with our duty to protect the Gap Coastline.”

Governor Tom Wolf lauded Hockenfoos on the action.  “They take their responsibility seriously.  They sacrificed what would have been a lucrative weekend for the safety of our Pennsylvania shores – that won’t go unnoticed.”