Lewd Conduct Suspect Tells Police He’s Just Italian

A South Philadelphia man visiting the Green Dragon and who was suspected of lewd conduct has been cleared in what authorities are calling a case of cultural ignorance. According to several eyewitnesses, Sal Tugnutti of the 2800 block of Passyunk Avenue, Philadelphia was seen repeatedly touching, yanking and rubbing his own groin while walking the grounds of Lancaster’s legendary shitshow.  After fielding several complaints, Green Dragon Security contacted State Police in Ephrata to investigate.  It turns out that Mr. Tugnitti is simply Italian.

“You don’t see this very often but when you do, it’s simply a result of cultural ignorance.  They simply had no idea that most Italian men can’t help grabbing themselves, even in public.  There was nothing lewd or sexual about.  It’s just his heritage.” Stated Trooper Johnson of the Ephrata barracks.

Tugnutti took in good humor, “Forget about it.  I’m here to enjoy myself, grab some junk and get me a sausage sandwich. I ain’t no pervert.”