Millersville University faculty members recently went on strike for the first time in the school’s history. People of Lancaster has obtained a top secret list of the union’s demands that must be met in order to end the work stoppage. The demands include…
- Repeal of the “Everybody Poops” book ban from the McNairy Library.
- Admission that referring to the Student Memorial Center as “The Smack” sounds “really fucking stupid”.
- Make “Marauder Water” the official school beverage.
- Admission that the term “Marauder Water” ALSO sounds “really fucking stupid”.
- 25% less businesses on George Street with the word “Sugar” in their name.
- Workman’s comp for whip bruises and snake bites that occur while in pursuit of Nazis and the Ark of the Covenant.
- To win two Goddamn football games in a row, is that too much to ask???
- Positive and permanent identification regarding which of the two swans is “Miller” and which one is “Seville”.