How To Plan The Perfect Halloween Party

We’ve taken notes from Halloween party images shared on social media over the past few years; and compiled them into a handy step-by-step guide to the perfect Halloween party:

1 – Make sure to invite your family and closest friends, but keep the attendance under eight or nine people. This is real life we’re talking about, not Facebook.

2 – Keep all the lights on in your house. It’s important to be able to see all the imperfections in everyone’s costume makeup; as well as every roll of stomach fat on display through inappropriately tight costumes.

3 – Request that all guests wear costumes either purchased at Target, or DIY with less than a $10 budget. Wearing a beer helmet while holding a bottle of lite beer is a surefire way to show how funny you are.

4 – If white, consider dressing as a person from your favorite oppressed culture.

5 – When taking pictures of your party, turn the flash on even when the room is well lit (see #2). This will wash everyone out and make it look like your party took place in 1990.

6 – Make a really strong mixed beverage in a large salad bowl. This is for looks only, so taste is irrelevant.

7 – Get as many fake cobwebs as you can buy; and hang them in the areas with the highest amount of foot traffic. People love this.

8 – If you have children, remind your guests that they are either sleeping or trying to sleep. If you don’t have children, ask that guests remain quiet, anyway.*

9 – Drink a few beers before the party, and text all your guests before they arrive to let them know how many you’ve had already; and that you’re getting the party started. If no response, ask for an ETA.

10 – Use the party as an opportunity to talk about NFL games and/or argue with your spouse in public.

11 – Regardless of what food you put out for guests–we recommend Rold Golds over real food, since everyone eats pretzels for dinner–make sure you get takeout from the best sandwich shop in town for yourself. Wait to eat it until everyone can see how good your choice in food is.

12 – Arrange your furniture in a way so everyone can sit and look at each other; but don’t get too hung up on how comfortable it is. Your guests will prefer standing around the kitchen, so be sure to plant yourself there to make them feel less obligated to sit.

*Applies only if weekend. If your party falls on a weekday evening, you may be as loud as you’d like.