EPHRATA, PA – For the 73rd year in a row the National Institutes of Health (NIH) has found that residents of Ephrata, Pennsylvania are far shorter than the average person in Pennsylvania.
The NIH found the average height of an Ephrata man is 5 ft 3 in compared to 5 ft 9 in for the rest of the state. The story was similar for Ephrata women who averaged 4 ft 10 1/2 in compared to the state average of 5 ft 3 1⁄2 in.
However, the study also found that what Ephratians lack in stature they make up for attitude.
“The Ephrata citizens were initially very cooperative with our research team. But when they learned of our findings they became belligerent, destroyed NIH computers, and spit on our research staff.” said NIH Scientist Harvey Goldstein.
An Ephrata resident who was part of the study defended their actions. “They was saying we are small and shit. I spit on that nerd and kicked him in the nuts.” explained Tyler Weaver who works at the Sheetz on E. Main Street.
“Aside from the spitting the kicks from Mr. Weaver caused little harm to the staff.” said Goldstein.