Uber Launches Uber911

Written by guest writer: Tunsa Funn

Lancaster, PA- In a major move today, Uber announced today that it will launch its new Uber911 service and has selected Lancaster county as its first area to have its awesome new service.

“We see that Lancaster county has a huge 911 business and it was only natural that we start here with our service.” says Joe Esposito, Regional manager of Rasier Incorporated, the company with the license to run Uber in the Pennsylvania area.

Uber Prototype Ambulance
Uber Prototype Ambulance

While most ambulance rides run as much as a thousand dollars or more, Uber hopes to cut those rides in half for those rides that are not emergency rides. Uber will not be staffed with EMT’s so any real medical issues will still be handled by ambulances.

“I think it’s great!” says local abuser of the 911 system Clyde Raines. “When I have a toothache at 3 am I always call 911. I don’t have insurance so that always costs the taxpayers at least a grand for a ride to LGH. But they never give me enough Vicodin. Aren’t they supposed to take the pain away forever? I mean I shouldn’t have to get the rotted tooth pulled right?

Who has the money for that? So then I usually have to call the next night to go to Regional to hope they give me enough. And I know that’s another grand. So if Uber can cut that two grand bill in half, I bet taxpayers can be happy. Hey! Maybe they can buy cheese for the sandwiches for Johnny and my friends down at the prison. Most of them are innocent you know.”

Local ambulance companies were contacted for comments and none responded back as of yet.