A few years back I wrote a House for Sale listing on Craigslist that went viral. I was showered with lots of applause and no money. So today, in a brief moment of clarity, I randomly picked a local property listing and decided to “help them out” a bit. Here ’tis.
Real Property Link and photos: https://www.facebook.com/pg/KLMPropertyPartners/photos/?tab=album&album_id=228374117573982&__mref=message_bubble
Here’s my suggested listing:
This property is located in the heart of historically depressing Columbia Pennsylvania. Columbia features the second highest property tax millage in the county, a clock Museum and the County’s only strip club which is only a short walk from this gem of a property. I took a quick walk around the neighborhood (just kidding virtually walked around the block using Google Maps because I really don’t want to set foot in Columbia) and did not see any abandoned vehicles or crimes in progress which is a good sign. You have a nice playground across the street to which will be helpful when your baby mama / daddy dropped off Junior unexpectedly. On the other Corner you’ve got a cemetery so if you die in the house you don’t even have to leave the neighborhood.
The property at 111 itself is a kind of like the Taj Mahal of Columbia if the Taj Mahal was a row house. The family room of this property has a beautiful brick fireplace that is bricked up for some unknown reason but I can only imagine it’s something sinister right out of an Edgar Allan Poe poem. The dining room is painted in energizing PennDOT yellow to help you wake up while having your morning coffee. The kitchen is spacious with tons of counter space to hold all of your dirty dishes and accumulated junk mail. There is only one bathroom, however it’s quite large and the toilet is separated from the tub by a cabinet in case you have to poop while somebody’s taking a bath. There’s four bedrooms in this house and it looks like they were designed by a committee. Each bedroom has its own uniquely ugly color of paint, wallpaper and oddities. One bedroom has this whole big wall of cabinets and drawers and it looks like some previous homeowners’ final project for vo-tech. The backyard is probably my favorite part. There’s beautiful hardscaping, an old tree and there’s a screened in porch to keep the annual infestation of mayflies from ruining your night of drinking. The basement is unfinished but it would make a most excellent spot for storage or hostages.
You can rent this little Taj Mahal of Columbia for only $1,100 per month contact KLM https://www.facebook.com/KLMPropertyPartners/