40-Something Man Swears He’s Moving Out of City for Record Setting 18th Year in a Row

Last Monday, April 27th marked the 18th year in row that Mark Shatsford swore up and down that he was “moving out of this damn city”. In early 1997 Mark had just graduated with an Accounting Degree from Millersville and wanted to try out city life, like so many people his age.

“I thought it was great, you know?” said Mark, “But as soon as I moved out here I knew it was a mistake, I wanted to be close to people my age in a town that was transforming into an up and coming scene, I had no idea it was going to be so noisy in a city, and the crime? Why is there so much stabbing?!”

Mark had just moved to the corner of West Chestnut Street and North Prince Street when the area was becoming famous for it’s strip on Art Galleries when swarms of pretentious assholes would swarm the streets every First Friday.

“I just sat down to watch Frasier, and I hear this huge motor kick on, I look out my window and someone decided to park their food truck right outside my front door. There were people everywhere, I thought to myself, I can’t believe this is happening on my street and no one is doing anything about it!” explained Mark. “I wanted to be part of the scene, but, the violence has become too much.”

Mark of course is referring to the epidemic of stabbings that Lancaster had become famous for over the course of two decades. Knife stabbings, car on house stabbings, even boat stabbings. You name it, someone in Lancaster stabbed it.

“Well this is the year I’m getting the hell out of here, 18 years is enough” said Mark. “Frankly the quality of life continues to improve my ass”

220px-Mayor_Rick_GrayMayor Rick Gray will be holding an award ceremony for Mark to award him for his record setting petulant bitching in Penn Square on May 15th.