Suburban Correspondent Jeffrey Myers – There is a whole lot of bad in the world today, as this week will attest. The human race does not seem to be able to get along. Whether it is a senseless shooting in South Carolina, or unrest in the Middle East, or the fact that The Food Network gives Guy Fieri a pulpit, the future of our world looks bleak. These calamities have been noticed by our four legged friends. In light of this, we sent our Dog Whisperer/Rover Report, Anita Spae-Ennuder, out to talk to some of concerned pets.
“I just don’t understand you uprighters,” barks Rocco, a handsome doberman ensconced in Lancaster’s suburban splendor, “I mean, sure I might bark at other dogs and tear apart chew toys, but I’d never raise my paw and hurt another dog or cat; a squirrel, maybe, but that’s unusual. I think your problem is guns. That’s not popular, but that’s just my….wait (pauses to take a crap)….sorry, that’s just my opinion.”
We spoke with several cats at the home of an anonymous 60-something recluse in Columbia. Doodoo, the most vocal of the 40-some odd cats, echoes the same sentiment. “Look, we live with this batshit crazy woman who sometimes feeds us, but we still all get along. Hell, we welcome to two or three odd strays she brings in a month. You don’t see us preying on each other like humans. I think it’s the video games. It desensitizes your litters to violence. ” As he finishes, he starts to lick himself. Quite intensely. At this point, a rather petite Manx named Greasy adds “I think that right there is one of your problems. You see Doodoo right there going to town on his butthole? Something’s bothering him. What’s he do? He licks and licks and licks and licks himself until the butthurt and hate are gone. If you so-called superior mammals could do that? Darn it, you’d have 90% of your problems solved.”
Finally, we decided to go outside the realm of household pets and went to Gap to visit everyone’s favorite goat. In between sips of gin and juice, Skidmark seemed to agree with the others. “Guns, video games, unable to lick your own ass…oh, and religion, let’s not forget religion…you humans are so wrapped up in looking for differences instead of finding similarities, you fail to see the beauty we all have to offer. If you spent more time shining the light of love – like my pal Abner Hockenfoos, the world would be a better place. Now where’s our lunchmeat?”
Love. It all starts with hope. After talking to these creatures of God (the God who invented evolution, that is) this reporter is convinced the human race still as a chance. With a little help from our four legged friends. And perhaps more flexibility.