Article by Dave “Tickle Monster” Maxwell – So, yeah the other day I was walking to the bar to pick up a Qwesa Dilla. Man I love Qwesa Dillas so I don’t mind walking. It kind of takes a long time to walk to different bars in the City if you are to stay 500′ away from schools, churches, and pet stores so it gives you lots of time to think. On the way I stopped by the Turkey Hill to check out the honeys – they always say HI when I walk in – and buy a Yoo-Hoo and some lottery tickets. There was an older Puerto Rican or Dominican man there without a shirt on and he was arguing with Wanda at the register about a money order or some shit. So I just took my You-Hoo and cruised over to the bar. My order wasn’t done yet so sat down and started looking at all of the newspapers stacked up at the end of the bar. The Lancaster paper was there and I don’t really understand it. They call it LNP because it stands as an acromym for Lancaster Newspapers but Newspapers is one word not News Papers, so it should be called LN. They they have that “always lancaster” hashtag bullshit even though it’s always printed on the West Shore in Mechanicsburg. Buried deep under the LN and kind of sticky with wing sauce was the Fly magazine. I’m assuming they changed the BarFly name to Fly either because they were big fans of those dancers from In Living Color, that show with Jim Carey and all those black dudes from the same family, or because Mickey Roarke got all pissy. I hadn’t seen this thing for years. Back in the day me and Herbie and Earl used to read that thing religiously to find out what bars had their free food buffet on what nights. We never paid for anything we just cruised around eating the free stuff maybe getting a water with lemon, we call that the Manheim Township Martini. I used to buy women drinks but I stopped that because some bitch took the drink and gave it to her boyfriend to drink. It wasn’t a total loss because it was fun to see how he acted all roofied up. But yeah, last time I saw the BarFly was when they’d deliver 90 copies to every bar and 82 of them would collect dust on the cigarette machine until the next issue came out. OOOOh my Qwesa Dilla is ready, I got to go. I’m going to sit an eat outside of the Planned Parenthood office because you know them girls put out.