Bernie Sanders’ Hair Sees Own Shadow; Signaling 9 More Months of Political Circle Jerking

DES MOINES, Iowa – It was reported early this morning that Bernie Sanders’ hair has indeed seen its own shadow, which has indicated nine more months of political grab-ass from both sides of the arena. Bernie Sanders went on the record saying this: “Who… How the hell did you get in here? Who are you?!”  This comes as a two-fold holiday with the Iowa Caucus and Groundhog Day taking place with in 24 hours of each other, both of which have a long history of predicting nothing.