Columbia, Pennsylvania’s 74th annual Eighth of July fireworks extravaganza is planned and ready to go according to officials. Columbian old timers will recall that the initial 1941 fireworks display was slated for July 4th, the same as any other municipality. However, when organizers set off those initial rockets, the fiery remains quickly fell back to Earth and caught fire among the plentiful trash, debris, and human waste that covered the ground. In a related incident, the Columbian mayor hired hobos to tie lit Roman candles to stray cats in an unsuccessful effort to eliminate the town’s river rat population.
It took four days for workers to fully extinguish the smoldering remains, and organizers put on a more modest display on the Eighth of July. Town folk took great pride in making the Eighth of July an annual event. According to the government website, the belated festivities symbolize Columbian residents slow wit, and their proud reluctance to keep pace with folks from neighboring towns.
However, off the record, insiders state that the more plausible reason why Columbia celebrates the Eighth is that local firework stands are willing to let go of their products for up to 75% off. Even with such budget cutting measures, the Columbian Eighth of July Celebration has been forced to tighten its belt recently. Three years ago, traditional fireworks were eliminated all together. Instead, attendees were asked to stare at a bright light for a few minutes, then rub their eyelids really hard.