Columbia Mayor Points Finger, Blames York, Unveils ‘Master Plan’

POL Politics & Breaking News Report from “The Lum-Lum”-Columbia, PA

Last night’s borough council meeting in Columbia got extremely heated when local busy-body and town gossip, Bitnie Felton, began a verbal attack on Mayor Leo Lutz.

Upset about the borough refusing to pump the sewage from her flooded basement and the suggestion that she should perhaps “bag the vast amounts of paper used to wipe her over sized ass to prevent future failures of the borough’s sewage system”, Bitnie tore into the mayor asking what he was doing about the towns woes.

bridgeMayor Lutz quickly ended the verbal assault by pulling out his spray bottle of water, which he had previously appropriated from the towns animal control deputy, used normally to control the towns feral cat population, and holding up a bar of soap. Upon seeing the mayor’s display Bitnie sheepishly cowered in fear and shut up.

“I will tell you what I’m doing to fix this god for saken town though, if you must know,” exclaimed Mayor Lutz. “The problem with Columbia is York. We are to damn close to that hell hole of a place and I’m going to fix that.”

In hearing the mayor’s response this reporter asked the mayor, after the meeting, just how he planned on doing that and was surprised by his response. It seems the mayor isn’t content on just finger pointing like a lot of mayors but actually has been working on a ‘Master Plan’ which he exclusively revealed to POL.

The mayor explained that he had done his research on the problem and as it turns out, “Columbia was a bustling city, beautiful, growing, with vast wealth and employment opportunities. That was a long time ago though. …before the bridges. Heck we were even considered as a possible location for our nations capitol back then. You know, that’s where the ‘C’ comes from in Washington DC, even though they decided on building elsewhere they still wanted to be part of Columbia and so called themselves a district of Columbia.”

This reporter went on to learn from the mayor that it was the construction of the bridges between York and Columbia that the mayor sees as Columbia’s downfall. The mayor explains, “Before the bridges if you wanted to cross the Susquehanna you had to take a ferry. Samuel Wright was a smart man he only charged a single penny to transport people westward across the river, but if you wanted to come back it cost a small fortune. Once people got over there only the smart ones could raise that kind of money to get back, and once they saw that wasteland they all wanted to. It’s a great way to get rid of the riff-raff and keep them out. This tactic is still employed today along the Delaware River keeping out those New Jersions.”, said Lutz.

Initially the mayor said he tried to burn the bridges, but learned they were made of concrete, and according to the mayor town records reveal that is why the original bridge was burned. “Those stories about Confederates marching were an excellent cover. Once I figured out we couldn’t burn them again I considered moving the whole damn town just south of Willow Street. Unfortunately I discovered they had removed that tunnel above Quarryville and now that area was experiencing similar problems with the filth migrating north out of that shit hole.”

That’s when the Mayor developed his Master plan.

“We sold the idea of the Rt441 bypass as a way of reducing truck traffic through this town. It’s not the trucks blighting this town. It’s those Yokians. Once the bypass is complete we will be able to shuttle those Yorkians, coming across the Route 30 bridge, south to Washington Borough where they are no longer our problem, or they can continue east the whole way to New Jersey where they will be unable to return because of the toll, just like the old days. That still leaves the 462 bridge, but I had these great lights installed there that attract so many bugs the bridge is virtually impassable. What Yorkian can walk through our bug defense or afford a car wash if they attempt the drive? Only the few bright ones. Additionally, we have already petioned the state to make the Rt462 bridge one way westbound to completely cut off these illegal Yorkians from immigrating to Columbia.”

“Now if I can just find a way to get rid of Bitnie Felton and the rest of the scum suckers like her Columbia can be a beautiful place again.” I overhead the mayor mumbling to himself as he walked away.