Columbians Prepares for Summer Plague of Feral Children

Columbia natives are making their last minute preparations for the annual release of thousands of feral children from the temporary quarantine of local public schools. No longer seduced by free hot lunches and protection from the elements, these primal creatures take to the streets of the small Central Pennsylvania town destroying anything and everything in their path.

Columbian primal children are notorious for needing absolutely no sleep and are known to roam in small packs 24 hours a day. Authorities are urging citizens to avoid engaging with the creatures at all costs. Eye contact is to be avoided, since it may be considered a threat to their dominance.

The government is putting together a blue ribbon panel to brainstorm ways of handling the crisis. The spaying and neutering program of the last five years has not seemed to have made the smallest dent in the feral child population. A more aggressive stance of active euthanization is currently being considered.

In the meantime, homeowners are encouraged to stay up to date on all immunizations, especially rabies. They are also asked to lock their doors and wait it out until approximately September 1st at the latest.