Critics, Supporters Sound Off Over Columbia’s Miss Teen Unwed Mother

Columbia, that tiny hamlet tucked in the armpit of Lancaster County, is once again mired in controversy.  In an effort to celebrate their number one export, bastard children, the Columbia Small Business Association is hosting The First Annual Columbia Miss Teen Unwed Mother Pageant and Fish Fry.  The contest is open to all teens, 17-19, who are pregnant or have given birth in the last nine months.  Contestants will be separated into the smoking and non-smoking categories and each will have a chance to compete in the contests three categories: talent, tube top and jammie pants.  First Prize is a scholarship to the Club Good Times Internship Program, Second Prize is a 2001 Oldmobile Alero, and Third Prize is a $1,000 credit to the contestant’s Access Card.  Supporters contend it is a chance for some positivity in what is likely a trying time in the lives of these young women. Dick Swells, the the Vice President of the CSBA states, “It’s tough for these young breeders.  I felt that this small event will instill in them a little self-confidence.” Critics note that it is not fair to the other little whores who are responsible enough to use birth control.  According to Columbia resident Juanita Borchon, it should be open to all promiscuous teens, “Why they only care for these girls?  My daughters been having sex since 15 and they careful about it.  They 17.  Why ain’t they able to win that Alero?”