Dozens of Alcoholic Children Loitering Outside of New Beer Cafe, Confirming Fears

Lancaster, PA – Dozens of alcoholic children were seen loitering outside of the Columbia Ave. Giant grocery store on Tuesday, confirming the worst fears of critics of Giant’s plan to open a beer cafe. Since the cafe opened earlier this month, underage kids have been vomiting, passing out, and experiencing delirium tremens in the parking lot of the grocer.

Pius Dogood, who lives in the neighborhood and lead the fight to deny the beer and wine license transfer could be seen pointing her finger at the parking lot and saying, “Told ya.” from her back yard off of Wilson Drive.

“I warned everyone that underagers would now have easier access to alcohol and nobody wanted to listen. Look at that parking lot…it’s like frat party in Lynnebrooke in the 90s; I seen them puking for distance off the back of a Rent-a-Center truck!”

Local school officials have also noticed a sharp increase in student tardy and sick days, especially in elementary schools. “Hungover kids can’t learn math when they’re puking in their desk”, said Principal Norma Stitz from Buchanan Elementary. It’s like the wild west now with beer in the grocery store and everywhere else. Where do they think we are, that wretched cesspool Maryland?”

POL reached out to Giant officials but have not heard back as of press time.

A kid funnels a beer outside of the Giant