Ephrata Men Confirm “Small Hands Means Small Dick” Rumor

Presidential candidate , Donald J. Trump has come under fire recently by his opponents for allegedly having “very small hands”. This is problematic for Trump since the size of a man’s hands have been rumored to be a good indication of the size of his genitals. Trump insists that nothing about him is small. But, is there any truth to this urban legend?

POL took to the streets of downtown Ephrata to ask, discuss, and measure. We had 17 volunteers take part in our non-scientific study. The average height for the men was 3’7”. This is about two feet shorter that the average American man, but can be probably be explained through a variety of factors such as the town’s extremely high levels of nicotine in the drinking water, chronic douching among the elderly, and the onslaught of circus folk after “The Great Carny Wars of ‘79”.

The average man’s hand in our study was approximately two inches across, large enough to pick up a grape, but not so large as to be able to palm a standard golf ball.

We were surprised to discover a lack of humility among participants. All 17 were eager to show us their junk. In our experience, there seemed to be a direct link between hand size and penis size. Average penis size varied among participants. The largest measured was approximately 2 inches, and greatly resembled a baby carrot (including the color). The smallest one did not even register to the first mark on our tape measurer.

We would like the give the men of Ephrata a “big hand” for taking part in our survey. Especially, since they need it.