Continuing it’s long tradition, Lancaster once again had a dismal voter turn out during primary elections. To improve turn out, officials have decided to remove voting booths and replace them with computers where the users can log on to facebook and complain about things that could have been easily changed by getting off their ass and voting. Once they’ve gotten it out of their system, the voter will then be treated to an all-you-can-eat buffet sponsored by Shady Maple.
“If there’s two things Lancaster loves it’s complaining and buffets. People will drive clear across the county and stand in line for 45 minutes to stuff their faces full of sub par food, but they can’t be asked to go to a voting booth for 10 minutes. This initiative should get the voters out in droves,” Said County Official Mary Kline. “Only about 25% of both registered Democrats and Republicans turned out to vote, sure we hear excuses like they won’t let 3rd parties vote, or ‘what about people on third shift?’, well I find it hard to believe that 75% of registered voters work third shift in Lancaster, and there’s nothing stopping voters from changing party affiliation for primary elections.”
“Why would I go vote when I can make a change by just sitting in Facebook comment threads and complain about everything, it’s a lot easier to just blame the federal government for all my shortcomings, even if they have nothing to do with local or state referendums.” Said Ed Smith of Martic Twp.
While Lancaster sat on their hands on election day, buses full of retirement home attendees piled out to vote.
“I’ve been a voter for over 60 years, I hate change and today’s youth is ruining this country, I’m voting to make sure that people today are just as miserable as we were growing up” -Ed Linton, Age 79
“The internet scares me, it should be illegal!” – Mabel Carter, Age 85.
Until the new vote system takes effect, Lancastrians will just have to vote the old fashioned way and continue to bitch over the internet from the comfort of their desk chairs, and sofas.