LCBC To Open Night Club In Ephrata

Leadership at LCBC, having seen a decline in attendance at it’s Saturday night services and struggling to draw in new members, has decided to take drastic action.

“We have to share the good word with the sinners of this world and bring them to Jesus. We are having a very hard time building a following here in Ephrata. It seems there just really isn’t that much sin and depravity here. Good Lord, to be honest with you, Ephratarians seem to be the most uptight people we’ve ever came across. Most of these losers have only came to our church to save us from our rock n roll music. They think we are sinners”, said Richard Blessing. LCBCs outreach chaplain and lead singer of Heaven’s on Fire, LCBCs own KISS tribute band with a Christian twist.

Richard Blessing performing at a recent Sunday service.
Richard Blessing performing at a recent Sunday service.

Richard Blessing, or Dick as he’s known around the Sunday school classroom, went on to say, “This place is going to fail if we don’t find some depravity here soon. Given the culture of this town frankly we can’t just sit around and wait.Something has to happen now or our church is doomed.”

A woman of loose morals attracting depraved men.
A woman of loose morals attracting depraved men.

“We are going to bring a real nightclub to Ephrata. The kind of club that attracts loose women and breeds depravity. I mean we aren’t going to start selling drugs or anything, though we have considered offering a no cover charge admission to anyone in a 15year old Toyata Celica with $2000 wheels”