In 2013 Lititz was voted America’s Coolest Small Town by Budget Travel Magazine. Life was good, people were skipping through the town gleefully mocking all of the surrounding, less cool towns. However things started going downhill quickly and two years later it is a different Lititz. No longer ranked in the top-100 cool small towns its residents are heartbroken.
“Man, things were idyllic her just a few years ago. The whole Hipster/Micro-Brew trend was still peaking and beautiful people from hundreds of miles away would come to Lititz to bask in our awesomeness. You could find artisan olive oils, homemade gelato and other amazing things that most people somehow manage to live without. Now look at Lititz, you can hardly recognize this place” longtime resident Hugh Jorgin stated. “First was that stupid sunglasses at night stunt. We thought it was cool, but not only was it stupid — we didn’t even get the Guinness World Record. Next the Gluten-Free Organic Shade-Grown Bird-Friendly Dolphin-Safe Beard Oil store closed, then the Sutter went from 94 kinds of IPAs down to 90. Fuck! What are we, barbarians?”
The most major blow to Lititz’s Coolness was last year when Smithsonian Magazine named Columbia “One of the Top 20 Best Small Towns to Visit”. Since then residents just wander aimlessly through the streets talking about the Good Ol’ Days of 2013.
“What in the ever-lasting fuck is that about?” screamed Lititz Mayor and recumbent bike-owner Neil Eneater. “Columbia?! Who wants to visit blight?” He then put on his trademarked night-time sunglasses to fiddle with his rain barrel.
Lititz is hoping to make a cool-comeback in 2015. Receiving a special grant from Gov. Tom Wolf Lititz will be adding a monocle themed monorail that will take visitors from Wilbur Candy directly to the General Sutter while they sample some Nut-Free beer.