(Lititz, PA) – Longtime Lititz resident Emily Wenger is convinced that Global Warming is a Myth, as long as her ex-husband Rick is still alive.
“I know the media has been trumpeting the notion of a Global Temperature Rise and all of the hazards that go with it, but as along as Rick is still lurching around this God forsaken Earth, I’ll believe it when I see it.” Ms. Wenger stated. “His icy cold heart and his vacant, dead eyes will forever cool this mixed up, tragic planet we live on.”
Ms. Wenger was seen shopping at the Aldi on Lititz Pike in Lancaster and was caught speaking to herself while browsing the Dairy section. People of Lancaster approached her after she was heard saying under her breath, “…he can’t even keep up with alimony payments and here I am shopping for the best deal on eggs… fucking Rick!”
When asked if she was OK, Ms. Wenger seemed startled and replied “Oh yeah, I’m GREAT. My douchebag of an ex-husband is on a cruise in the Cayman Islands doing God Knows What with God Knows Who and I’m standing here looking for discount groceries because apparently gallivanting around the world is more important than keeping up with your Court mandated alimony payments.”
POL continued its quest for truth by asking if she needed a little money. “No, I’m fine. The funny thing is, I bring in more of an income than he does. When we went to court to divvy up our belongings, the Judge saw what a shit bird he is and took pity on me. This was one of the more Conservative, White judges in the region and he actually gave me a cut of that dickhead’s income! Can you believe it?! What was I thinking?!”
“I know the weather has been strange lately but I see that as a natural occurrence. There’s no way the upper air currents could ever avoid the bitter coldness that radiates out of his soul. I’ve watched the radar from time to time and I swear, when a strong storm system moves over his house, it clears right up. It’s uncanny! I think NOAA should investigate him, he probably has some sort of scheme cooking in his garage, next to all of his porno and Ham Radios.”
After shaking her head and checking her phone, Ms. Wenger excused herself.
“I’m sorry, I have to get moving. It’s been nice talking with you. Maybe we can get together some time for dinner or a drink? You can come over to my house if you’d like but I must warn you, I have four cats. They’re very friendly but they seem to dislike men. I love them because when I feed them, they give a slight glimmer of appreciation, unlike Rick who just takes takes takes.”
POL declined the invitation and hurried back to the NewsVan. Ms. Wenger was last seen perusing the newly constructed Dildo Aisle, sponsored by Mister Fister Dildos.