Longtime local news source and perennial birdcage liner, LNP held a press conference yesterday celebrating their phenomenal increased sales and subscriptions for the last quarter. CEO, Robert Krasne elaborated on the situation.
“Our circulation numbers are incredible. I hate to brag, but we went from 31 daily subscriptions to 67. That is over a 100% increase in less than a month. We are on a roll. We are now the fourth most prestigious paper in Lancaster County, behind the ADVertiser, Clipper Magazine, and Stall Talk, that newsletter they hang up above college toilets.”
When asked if he knew why the LNP was so ridiculously popular as of late, Krasne offered an immediate reply. “Two words…color comics! Our funny papers are near and dear to people from all over the county. The silly jokes give the Bird in Hand farmer something to smile about before a long day in the fields. The absurd situations give the Willow Street waitress a brief chuckle before her breakfast rush. Even the pretty pictures are admired by the Elizabethtown College student just learning to read.
As good as they were before, they will be even better in color. Dennis the Menace just jumps off the page at you with his red striped shirt and blue overalls. Those darn Plugger animals are even more adorable with their brown fur and pink noses. And if you think The Family Circus was funny before, you’re probably going to pee yourself laughing so much in beautiful technicolor!”
Newspaper heiress, Beverly Steinmen, took a well deserved break from her charity work as a Marge Simpson impersonator to explain some of the hurdles her paper has overcome in the past.
“We have competed against them all…smoke signals, telegraph, radio, newspaper, and internet. But we are still around in one form or another. We even pulled through after being forced to change our name to LNP because, apparently, you can only call yourself a “newspaper’ if you actually contain news. All that matters, now, is that these color comics have permanently changed our luck for the better. It’s all smooth sailing from here. Pop the champagne!”