Local Colleges Rebut Millersville Story

As part of our ongoing commitment to providing Lancaster County with news that is fair, balanced, and totally truthful, from time to time, the staff of People of Lancaster will seek out opposing viewpoints on a recently run story. The other day, we published an article about the luxurious student living arrangement provided by Millersville University. We invited our other local colleges to share their insight on the matter.

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Sir Reginald Van Pennybottom III, director of media relations at Franklin and Marshall College
First, we talked with Sir Reginald Van Pennybottom III, director of media relations at Franklin and Marshall College. Van Pennybottom provided us with the following rebuttal…

”Gadzooks, old chap! We here at Franklin and Marshall like a good yarn as much as the next bloke. However, we take umbrage in your assertions that Millersville is better than us at squandering resources on unnecessarily expensive student accouterments! Whether it be our complimentary Louis Vuitton backpacks or the Dom Perignon reflection pool, no college exceeds us at misplaced fiscal priorities. Their namesake is a local farmer. One of ours is the chap on the $100 bill. That is all I need say. Good day, sir. I said, good day!”

Kronk, director of marketing at Elizabethown College
Kronk, director of marketing at Elizabethown College
Next we heard from Elizabethtown College, where members of the student body were extremely upset that we compared their average student to a “filthy neanderthal”. The college’s associate director of marketing, Kronk, had the following to say…

“Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Akkkkkkk! Gllllllllllk! E-town gooooooooood! Article baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!!!! Mmmmmmrrrrrrrr! Oooooo-ooooooooo-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

Unfortunately, People of Lancaster was unable to document the remainder of Kronk’s response, since he appeared tremendously agitated and repeatedly threw feces at our reporter.

Danny DePasquale, President of HACC
Danny DePasquale, President of HACC
Last and least, we reached out to the President of Harrisburg Area Community College, Danny DePasqaualee. We were unable to reach Mr. DePasqualee at the college, but his administrative assistant suggested we try to catch up with him at his other job, manning the night shift drive-thru at a local Taco Bell. We will provide you, the reader, with another update, if and when this occurs.