Local Deacon Has Evidence of Ancient Amish Settlements on Pluto

(Lancaster, PA) – Local Catholic Deacon Gatsby Fraiser, of St. Blaise’s Church on Ocean Avenue in Lancaster, has a busy life tending to his flock and maintaining the deteriorating Church that he inherited from his wealthy father, Father Tugg Fraiser. Although most of his time is spent consulting and hearing confessions from local sinners, he devotes a few hours a week to a hobby that he calls his “True Calling.”

hipsterdeaconDeacon Fraiser, or as he prefers to be called “The Hipster Deacon”, believes that certain passages of the Old Testament point to an ancient Amish settlement on the icy dwarf planet of Pluto. The newest images of Pluto, taken from NASA’s New Horizons Spacecraft, only seem to bolster his research.

“I’m not a scientist,” Deacon Fraiser says, “but I set out with a hypothesis that Amish folk originally lived on Pluto and developed sophisticated Airships to flee the frigid tundra when the gravitational pull of a yet discovered planet pulled Pluto out of its comfortable orbit, nearly 10 million years ago.” Fraiser continued, “And I will do anything I can to make that hypothesis a reality.”

Citing nearly two passages from the Old Testament, Deacon Fraiser weaves a not-so-tangled web of evidence. “2 Corinthians 12:2-4 is the starting point of my journey. I was in a fever dream one night, after too many Rosé samples at the Nissley Winery, and the passage came to me like a shot of blinding light” Fraiser explained. Upon waking up the next afternoon in the Church Rectory, I began to research it more and found some other stuff that could be related.”

When we asked the Hipster Deacon for more evidence, he mumbled something into his sleeve and stared off into the distance for what seemed a full minute.

He then produced an image of Pluto from NASA’s New Horizons Orbiter  with areas marked off in red boxes. “Here’s the Ancient Manna Fields that gave the brave Amish energy to survive on this hostile world. These markings here are obviously Hex Signs carved into the ice to remind Earthlings of their ancient roots. And here is the fabled Gapanese Airship Landing Platform, where the Ezekiel Airships set course for Earth. Although the G.A.L.P. isn’t specifically mentioned in the Bible, I have it from the highest of sources that it is indeed true,” Fraiser proclaimed. “My next step is to get public funding from the Federal Government to work with NASA and build another mission to Pluto which will undoubtedly prove me correct. I have submitted an application and I should hear back from the Feds soon.” Fraiser finished.

Upon learning of Deacon Fraiser’s after-hours hobby, most of his congregation weren’t amused. We spoke with one person willing to go on record, local Lancaster Socialite, Patricia Damp.

“I think he needs to stick with what is proven to be true, and that is the Bible.” Ms. Damp said. “Looking for Amish Aliens or whatever the fuck he’s looking for really isn’t setting a good example. We have a homeless problem here in Lancaster, women and children sleeping on the streets, hunger, despair and a Church that’s falling apart.” Ms. Damp’s voice began to rise. “And to top it off, he’s using his time to apply for federal funding, which is total bullshit, because the Federal Government doesn’t give money to people with crazy, irrational beliefs from the Dark Ages. He needs to go to the IRS for a tax exemption, the Church has been running that scam for decades.”

Deacon Fraiser will be featured on the History Channel’s 15th Anniversary Episode of “Ancient Aliens”, Sunday night at 8pm.