(Marietta, PA) – A local Marietta man was treated at Lancaster General in Columbia today after he performed fellatio on a handgun and shot himself in the throat.
Steve “Highwater” Wilkens was one of the first citizens to take advantage of Marietta’s new “Kittens for Guns” program, a public service that aims to reduce the stray cat population in downtown Marietta by exchanging stray cats for handguns. Based on documents, it is believed that Mr. Wilkens went directly home after receiving his handgun to perform fellatio on it.
Borough Council President Sharon Renninger has released a public statement in regards to the incident. “Although we should have saw this type of thing coming, we didn’t think it would happen on the first day. Contrary to the popular argument, unloading your gun before performing fellatio on it is NOT a violation of your 2nd amendment rights and is, in fact, a responsible and safe way to orally stimulate your handgun. Please use proper protection folks, it’s a crazy world out there and you don’t know who these guns have been with previously.”
A slow recovery is expected for Mr. Wilkens, who lives on East Front Street with his Smell Hound “Skootch”. Neighbors believe that it’s only a matter of time before this happens again, as Mr Wilkens is a practicing Catholic and does not believe in protection.
The team of Doctors that treated him have downgraded their professional condition from “What the Fuck?” to “OK, we’ve seen enough, we need to retire.”