A spokesperson for the Pennsylvania Fish and Boat Commission recently confirmed a case of cancer in a smallmouth bass caught in the Susquehanna River last year near Columbia.
Wayne Smoot of Holtwood pulled the fish out of the water and immediately noticed that the fish had a bulbous growth on its lower jaw. Smoot remarked, “It was the darndest thing. I ain’t never seen nothing like it.” He immediately turned the bass over to the Commission, which tested the growth and confirmed it to be a malignant tumor. Further testing noted large levels of tobacco in the fish’s system. It has been surmised that this bass, like many other freshwater fish in this section of the Susquehanna, have taken to using smokeless tobacco, or “dip” to cope with the pressures of spending a good deal of their miserable lives between Columbia and Wrightsville.
“Cancerous growths and tumors on fish are extremely rare in Pennsylvania and throughout the U.S., but they do occur, especially in areas where a large number of low-IQ humans reside, ” the Commission states in a news release.
“Stupidity is not just something you see, it’s something that pervades the air…a sort of miasma of ass-backwardness, ignorance and corn liquor fumes. We’ve been concerned about this very spot for years, but this is the first documented proof of the effect this area has on wildlife.”
The spokesman noted they will continue to monitor the river, but until a cataclysmic fire engulfs both sides of the river, he expects to see more and more cases like this. – – by Herb Tirdsley