Mystery Vandal Says Home Movies Are to Blame

ROHRERSTOWN, PA – A Rohrerstown man is accused of brutally egging 14 houses in the greater Lancaster Area. And while some citizens are demanding his identity, police say they’ll have to wait.

“Normally in a case like this, it’s just some crazy white guy,“ explains Chief Deputy Kevin Dip. “But he ain’t white, and we don’t know what he is yet. We can’t just say he’s brown.”

Officers say the man in custody has confessed; citing a selection of childhood footage as the sole inspiration for his crimes.

“Yeah, he’s off his fruit,” said Dip. “Apparently, his mom would do that thing with the spoon. You know, where it’s a plane? So he sees the tape, says he was teased…starts in after housewives and what have you. Guy’s a real nutcake.”

Despite the surely anomalous nature of the incident, petitions to ban home movies are quickly gaining traction.

“It’s just disgusting,” says a 20-year-old girl with no frame of reference. “This man did not consent to be filmed as a child. As far as I’m concerned, she killed those baby chickens.”

This is a developing story.