Turkey Hill Minit Markets has unveiled a plan to attract more tourist to their convenience stores by exploiting the over abundant feral children of Lancaster County.
Media Relations Spokeswoman, Hilda Bruttenstein, announced the plan today to promote the hordes of feral children that often gather to panhandle outside their stores as a tourist attraction rather than fight the losing battle against them.
“We’ve tried running these kids off for years, but it’s been to no avail”, said Hilda. “As a company we have no ability to teach parents to be parents. These kids just keep coming back to our stores no matter what. Hell we’ve been poisoning them with our Iced Tea for years, like some people do with cats and anti freeze, but still they return.”
In a bold business move, Turkey Hill has now decided instead of fighting this menace they will embrace it, and exploit it by promoting these feral children as a cultural tourism attraction in much the same way local tourist related businesses have exploited the Amish for years.
Nobody cares about these kids anyway, but people love to look at other cultures, to point and gawk at them, and marvel at how weird and different they are. Studies have shown that, just like the Amish, Lancaster County has the highest concentration of feral children in the nation and for some odd reason these children like to gather near crappy convenience stores.
A pilot program was launched at Turkey Hill’s Chestnut Street store, in Columbia early last year due to the particularly high concentration of feral children in the area.
The employees were encouraged to freely sell “blunt wraps” to these underage children without asking for ID. By doing so they have found the stores can guarantee a steady congregation of the animalistic children nearby, bringing tourist to the stores to gawk.
Hilda Bruttenstein added, “We’ve also discovered an unexpected benefit in that these children immediately blow the portion of the panhandling money they don’t spend on drugs right here in our stores further boosting sales.”