Obama Reveals Plan For Heterosexual-Free U.S. By 2030

In a second speech in front of the U.N. this past week, President Obama discussed his plans to move the United States of America toward a heterosexual-free country by the year 2030.

“I think we can do it,” said the President. “I think we have to do it. The world needs less animosity, and people are danger of becoming reliant on their sense of sexuality. We call our new plan: Renewable Sexual Energy.”

The plan involves mandatory counseling; and for those who are religious, access to Pray the Straight Away sessions will be made available.

“Lookit, people,” said the President. “This is no joke. This has been our agenda for as long as the Republicans have accused us of it. You were right, fellas. You got us. But think about it–if everyone were just ‘whatever’ [air quotes] the world would be a better place. No judgement, no hate. Just close your eyes and put it anywhere.”