It’s long been held that democrats around the world are on the same page when it comes to diatribes and conspiracies. Across the nation, more than half of the population side with a liberal “agenda”; and it has now been revealed that the “agenda” in question is quite literal.
For more than 150 years the democrats in this country have been holding secret meetings to find out what to say, what to do, and how to combat conservative ideals. These meetings take place in discrete buildings–mostly windowless–but have recently moved to an online location, deep in the Dark Web.
“It’s true,” said the unnamed source who revealed this truth. “I should mention I am an I.T. Specialist by day, and a former democrat. It’s true that these meetings take place and that nearly 100 million Americans attend throughout the nation. Usually bi-weekly, sometimes monthly. It’s been easier, lately, now that they’re online. I was shocked to find that when I decided to change to Republican, that they didn’t have a similar practice in place. So, I broke out the minutes from our last meeting.”
The minutes are extensive, but some of the highlights include:
– Bernie Sanders stopped attending in June of 2006 which has angered the Democrats ever since.
– Every journalist and member of the media–as well as most of Hollywood–attends.
– Matt Damon and Ben Affleck lead off every meeting with a call to arms chant.
– 10 minute non-fiction reading break.
– Ridicule Training occurs for 30 minutes during each meeting. This particular meeting focused on how to best utilize the adjective phrase “tin-hat-wearing” when addressing conservatives.
– Blake Shelton, a closet democrat, gave a 15 minute presentation on the evolution of Rednecks.
– Tumblr CEO apologized for his site, before being booed and calling everyone “cunts”. He later apologized for that.
– Burning of Christ’s effigy.
– Bill Nye (the Science Guy) performs a number from the Broadway play, Billy Elliot, to entertain everyone during the lunch break.
– The names of those lost in Benghazi are read aloud, to a roaring applause.
– Closing ceremonies, hard-drive wipe, email deletion, cache clearing.
It is unclear if this specific information will spark outrage within the Conservative community, beyond the headline.