Overpaid Millersville Faculty Berated from Dorm Jacuzzi

Millersville University freshmen roommates, Jason Swinton, 19, and Paul Dobrowski, 18, held a press conference from their dorm Jacuzzi yesterday, to protest the prevalence of overpaid faculty at the school. “They are why tuition is so high.” Swinton exclaimed loudly over top the constant buzz of the Jacuzzi motors. “We will never get out of debt if these professors keep asking for more and more money. It’s ridiculous!”

Dobrowski agreed, as he stepped out of the heated bath provided in every dorm room, and dried himself off with one of the mink bath towels given to him during freshmen orientation as part of his welcome package. “What makes them so special to think that they deserve a mid five figure salary? All it takes to do their job is three college degrees, a decade of experience, expert level content knowledge, several published articles, and outstanding teaching skills. A monkey could do that!”

Swinton explained how faculty greed has negatively impacted every aspect of his college experience. “For example, complimentary lobster bibs are no longer provided for us in the cafeteria. Last week, I saw two girls using a paper napkin instead. Disgusting. I also hear that they are considering eliminating the junior varsity polo team. I just pray it doesn’t come to that. Things are getting out of hand. If I wanted to live like some sort of filthy neanderthal, I would have went to college at E-town.”