Reported by Follis Invictus.
In a press conference today, PennDOT announced that in keeping with its panicked fixation on bridge repairs, the current Columbia-Wrightsville bridge is to be torn down and its predecessor restored to its 1863 condition.
Acting Secretary of Transportation Leslie Richards assured members of the media that the seemingly decrepit piers used to support the first four bridges are not only entirely structurally sound but are in fact superior to the “slapdash depression-era mess” supporting the current bridge. Demolition is expected to yield hundreds of tons of concrete and rebar, which will be reused in underfunded bridge projects statewide.
The primarily wooden reconstruction will be spearheaded by “Authentic” “Amish” craftsmen recruited from throughout Lancaster County. Richards dismissed concerns over these workers’ lack of experience in building anything larger than a corner hutch and expressed confidence that PennDOT’s “rigorous training program” would quickly bring them up to speed.
To ensure the greatest possible authenticity, the reconstructed span will be engulfed by billowing hundred-foot-high flames. This unceasing inferno is to be fueled by natural gas, delivered by a short spur of the Atlantic Sunrise pipeline. Although a comprehensive environmental impact study remains indefinitely on-hold, Richards promised that the Susquehanna’s shad population “won’t even notice” the hellish edifice.
During construction, commuters will be directed to several alternate crossings, such as the Chesapeake Bay Bridge-Tunnel.
When pressed to provide a project timeline, Richards offered a sheepish shrug. “We don’t actually do those anymore,” she said.