Top 12 Rallies You Won’t See In Columbia

I’m sure by now everyone has heard about the rally in Columbia over the Confederate flag. Here’s a list of some rallies you won’t see in Columbia.

1. Gingivitis Awareness Day: Population 10,000, not a full set of teeth between them.

Native Columbians

2. Just Say No to Incest: You know who you are.

3. Any book reading club: Most Columbia folk still have to put a finger under each word as they read it.


4. “Sharing a Meth Pipe With Your Child Isn’t Bonding” Rally: Or heroin, or any narcotic.

5. What happened to my Bed Bugs?: A coping with loss seminar.

6. Wear a shirt for once while buying lotto tickets with your disability check at Turkey Hill Day: Columbia hates shirts for some reason.

7.Patchy Trailer Park Facial Hair Prevention: We get it Joe Dirt, you hit puberty, now shave those squirrel pubes off your face.

You could play a banjo with that beard.

8. Mow your yard, and clean up all of the discarded turkey hill bottles Event: Most Columbia Folk call their town rustic, while the rest of the world calls it dilapidated.

A typical yard in Columbia

9. ICP Albums Are Not A How To at Life Awareness Day: Toothbrushes, how do they work?

This guy doesn’t know.

10. Begging for money on Facebook through isn’t a Job Rally: Just because you got fired from Club Good Times for lactating on the clientele doesn’t mean you should make a career out of Facebook drama.

11. Your Child is Constantly Truant and it’s No One’s Fault But Yours Awareness Day: Sometimes you’re just a shitty parent, and you have to accept that, learn to work a pill.


One little pill could have prevented this whole mess.

12. “Letting your 3-year-old run around the streets isn’t ok” Event: The street is not your baby sitter, turn off Maury and go make sure your uterus-turd isn’t selling crack.

“Oh shit it’s the cops, quick, dump the meth in the storm drain!”


What events do you think you’d never see in Columbia? Let us know in the comments.