Top 12 Rallies You Won’t See In Columbia

I’m sure by now everyone has heard about the rally in Columbia over the Confederate flag. Here’s a list of some rallies you won’t see in Columbia.

1. Gingivitis Awareness Day: Population 10,000, not a full set of teeth between them.

Native Columbians

2. Just Say No to Incest: You know who you are.

3. Any book reading club: Most Columbia folk still have to put a finger under each word as they read it.

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4. “Sharing a Meth Pipe With Your Child Isn’t Bonding” Rally: Or heroin, or any narcotic.

5. What happened to my Bed Bugs?: A coping with loss seminar.

6. Wear a shirt for once while buying lotto tickets with your disability check at Turkey Hill Day: Columbia hates shirts for some reason.

7.Patchy Trailer Park Facial Hair Prevention: We get it Joe Dirt, you hit puberty, now shave those squirrel pubes off your face.

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You could play a banjo with that beard.

8. Mow your yard, and clean up all of the discarded turkey hill bottles Event: Most Columbia Folk call their town rustic, while the rest of the world calls it dilapidated.

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A typical yard in Columbia

9. ICP Albums Are Not A How To at Life Awareness Day: Toothbrushes, how do they work?

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This guy doesn’t know.

10. Begging for money on Facebook through gofundme.com isn’t a Job Rally: Just because you got fired from Club Good Times for lactating on the clientele doesn’t mean you should make a career out of Facebook drama.

11. Your Child is Constantly Truant and it’s No One’s Fault But Yours Awareness Day: Sometimes you’re just a shitty parent, and you have to accept that, learn to work a pill.

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One little pill could have prevented this whole mess.

12. “Letting your 3-year-old run around the streets isn’t ok” Event: The street is not your baby sitter, turn off Maury and go make sure your uterus-turd isn’t selling crack.

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“Oh shit it’s the cops, quick, dump the meth in the storm drain!”

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What events do you think you’d never see in Columbia? Let us know in the comments.