I’m sure by now everyone has heard about the rally in Columbia over the Confederate flag. Here’s a list of some rallies you won’t see in Columbia.
1. Gingivitis Awareness Day: Population 10,000, not a full set of teeth between them.
2. Just Say No to Incest: You know who you are.
3. Any book reading club: Most Columbia folk still have to put a finger under each word as they read it.
4. “Sharing a Meth Pipe With Your Child Isn’t Bonding” Rally: Or heroin, or any narcotic.
5. What happened to my Bed Bugs?: A coping with loss seminar.
6. Wear a shirt for once while buying lotto tickets with your disability check at Turkey Hill Day: Columbia hates shirts for some reason.
7.Patchy Trailer Park Facial Hair Prevention: We get it Joe Dirt, you hit puberty, now shave those squirrel pubes off your face.
8. Mow your yard, and clean up all of the discarded turkey hill bottles Event: Most Columbia Folk call their town rustic, while the rest of the world calls it dilapidated.
9. ICP Albums Are Not A How To at Life Awareness Day: Toothbrushes, how do they work?
10. Begging for money on Facebook through gofundme.com isn’t a Job Rally: Just because you got fired from Club Good Times for lactating on the clientele doesn’t mean you should make a career out of Facebook drama.
11. Your Child is Constantly Truant and it’s No One’s Fault But Yours Awareness Day: Sometimes you’re just a shitty parent, and you have to accept that, learn to work a pill.
One little pill could have prevented this whole mess.
12. “Letting your 3-year-old run around the streets isn’t ok” Event: The street is not your baby sitter, turn off Maury and go make sure your uterus-turd isn’t selling crack.
What events do you think you’d never see in Columbia? Let us know in the comments.