Trickle Down Effect Of Local Shit-Show Accidently Benefits Columbia Man

While working in his garage near a local tourist attraction today long-time Columbia native, Stan Delone, stumbled upon a gold mine of his own.

“I was laying under the god damn truck, trying to bust that damn rusty nut loose when my daughter came to the door with a group of her friends asking for money again. I told her to go away, but like usual she didn’t listen. Her and her friends just kept standing there in the doorway with her pleading ” says Stan.

“The one girl musta had to pee or something “, reported Stan. “I don’t know. She was just standing there excitedly bouncing. But those girls always doing that. Hell I don’t know, maybe her folks don’t have a bathroom?”

Stan realized these girls weren’t going to stop pesting him and thought, “Well if I keep them waiting there much longer that little one right there is gonna piss all over my doorstep.” Reluctantly, Stan climbed from under his truck, wiped his hands and began pulling cash from his pocket.

Just as Stan forked over the last $8 he had in his pocket, and as the girls ran in the door and up the steps behind him, a family of tourists from New Jersey came bounding across the street toward their illegally parked car, blocking access to his garage.

Before Stan had the chance to tell them off, as he usually did, one of the hipsters 2.3 perfect kids, a boy of about 6 looked at Stan and the girls running inside and asked, “What’s in there?”

Anyone that knows Stan knows that he likes to tell tall tales and never misses an opportunity to spin a yarn. So Stan, keeping to his usual true self, and quick wit, didn’t let the opportunity pass by.

“You know that place you just left over there boy. Well that tea they make causes kidney stones boy. Big ones!”, Stan told the boy.

“Matter of fact, boy, I used to drink a lot of that stuff and got one of them there stones myself. But i didn’t just get any ole kidney stone boy. Oh no, not me. That’s not the way ole Stan works. Me boy, I got the world record kidney stone. The doctors pulled it outta me right here and I keep it in my garage” said Stan pulling up his dirty old shirt and showing off a massive scar on his side.

The scar, an actual scar from a kidney surgery he'd had as a boy, but not related to ice tea. Stan usually told people was the result of a gunshot.
The scar, an actual scar from a kidney surgery he’d had as a boy, but not related to ice tea. Stan usually told people was the result of a gunshot.

“I wanna see it! I wanna see it!” screamed the boy excitedly tugging on his mother’s had.

The mother, attention firmly on the iPhone in her other hand, planted to her ear, pulled the phone away annoyingly for a brief second and asked Stan, “How much is it?” in a dismissive manner, as if Stan were bothering her.

Stan, slightly confused, but quick witted as ever replied, “$4 for children, $12 for adults, infants are free.”

The woman huffed, turned back toward the street and said to pastel-cladded man in shorts and a pink shirt, with the baby strapped to his chest, “You gotta pay for this. I don’t have anymore cash.”

The man, daughter at his side, pulled a stack of twenties from his pocket and offered two of them to Stan. He then looked at Stan as if expecting change, and Stan, realizing he had just given the last of his money to his daughter, looked back to the man and asked, “How old is the girl?”

“12”, he replied.

“Well that’s the adult rate” said Stan.

Quick thinking Stan turned this rusty old ball-bearing into a lucrative side-show.
Quick thinking Stan turned this rusty old ball-bearing into a lucrative side-show.

Before they had completed their financial transaction at the door two more families had gathered behind them and were forming a line. Stan happily collected cash from them all, left them into his garage, and showed them all a rusty old 5″ steel ball bearing laying on his work bench.

When one of the children excitedly proclaimed he wanted to touch it Stan stated, “That cost an extra S10”.

Stan eagerly collected the extra $10 from every childs parent, some even paying to touch it themselves and when the line at his garage cleared out yelled for his daughter and her friends to come stand in the doorway again.

“Fuckin’ shit-shows”, Stan was heard to comment late this evening as he shook his head laughing while counting his cash.