WASHINGTON D.C. – President Trump has ordered the National Parks Service to paint or light all District of Columbia historical monuments gold for his self-indulgent 4th of July Celebration.
Recovering from her recent bout with the North Koreans the newly minted White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham explained the reason. “Gold represents opulence, power, and what makes America great. It is why President Trump covers everything in gold. Even things that shouldn’t be gold.”
Magda Bender, wife of a wealthy GOP donor and Trump friend Richard Bender has been placed in charge of the decorations and planning.
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“The Lincoln Memorial, White House, and Washington Monument will all be gold. I think those Army tanks over there [pointing to a pair of M-1 Abram Tanks] should be gold too.” said Bender.
But not everyone is pleased or supportive of the celebration calling it “wasteful” as costs of the spectacle have passed $92 million.
A statement from Speaker Pelosi’s office called the celebration reminiscent of dictators and failed strongmen like MuMuammar Gaddafi, Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong-un.
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Joseph Dunford was asked for comment. Dunford just rolled his eyes and shook his head as he walked away.